Yesterday was a Dr's appointment. It went well. Baby's heartrate was in the upper 160's lower 170's range...so very very fast!!!! I am beginning to doubt my first inclination that this is a girl, because my boy heartrate was faster than my girls (usually the girls were in the 150-160 range), so I am alittle anxious to find out what this precious baby will be.
I am starting my second trimester and am doing so with some trepidation. I struggled emotionally with my first trimester miscarriages, and while I didn't have a hard time emotionally with Nathan, I am fearing a second trimester loss again. It was sooo physically hard to deal with, and with this busy season, I am quite anxious to get through it with no difficulties. Nathan's loss still seems so close (even though it was over 2 years ago) and the thought of going through it again brings fear to my heart.
This fear is coupled by my overall down spirit with this pregnancy. Part of it is probably a fear of living through loss again...I hate the thought of it. Another part is probably that I am pregnant with family and friends and want to enjoy the experience with them. Another part is the fear of doing 4 children 5 and under. There are so many thoughts in my head...sometimes they hurt! As I sat in the waiting room, I read my pregnancy journal. I read the hymn I had determined to focus on during this pregnancy and found myself crying to God to make these words a true part of my life.
"All the Way my Savior leads me what have I to ask beside
Can I doubt His tender mercies who through life has been my guide
Heavenly peace Divinest comfort here by faith in Him to dwell
For I know what 'ere befall me Jesus doeth all things well
For I know what 'ere befall me Jesus doeth all things well.
All the way my Savior leads me cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the LIving bread
Though my wary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the rock before me, lo, a spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the rock before me, lo, a spring of joy I see.
All the way my Savoir leads me; Oh, the fullness of HIs love!
Perfect rest to me is promised in my Father's house above
When my spirit, clothed immortal, wings its flight to realms of day,
This my song thro' endless ages: Jesus led me all the way
This my song thro' endless ages: Jesus led me all the way."
by Fanny Crosby
I want Jesus to satisfy me. I want Him to fill me with the spring of Joy while I am faltering. I want to see Him leading me throughout this pregnancy. Pray with me, that I will be filled with knowledge of His presence and see His hand in this pregnancy. May I be filled with the hope, peace, and joy that comes from knowing and loving such a great God!!!!
PS. Next view of this little one is in a week and a half or so! They are doing cervical checks again (though only 2 rather than 6!), so I look forward to seeing this little one again real soon!