I don't know if you have ever read the old book entitled "Not My Will"
by Francena Arnold. It is an absolutely powerful book about the folly of us trying to run our own lives instead of submitting to God and seeking to Glorify and Please Him. I haven't read the book all that recently, but I can remember staying up until 2 am reading it and weeping my eyes out. It is an incredible book and a great reminder. If you haven't read it, I encourage you to pick it up and read it some time.
The reason I am thinking and talking about this book is because I sit here tonight thinking of the things that I would love to control and have go according to "my plan" that are not. Now, I have learned alot about surrendering in the past few months and would even like to think I'm getting it, but every single day, the LORD is showing me again....I DON'T!
This week I had an ultrasound for my current pregnancy. I was going in thinking that I was 6wks 4 days to find out I am only 6 weeks and we didn't get to see a heartbeat. I was, needless to say, dissappointed. I wanted the encouragement that everything is going good. Instead, I must be patient and wait 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Now, my first response was...this is ridiculous. Why am I again struggleing with this idea of surrendering to God's will and plan when dealing with Nathan's death was so much easier it seemed. However, I see that it is because that was over...this is continuing...and I am desparately longing to hold and meet this child. I have loved each of my children, but I am so fearful that the LORD just might say "Not this time" once again.
Jesus Himself, being completely human and completely God, struggled with going to the cross. And yet in His struggleing, He proclaimed, not publicly but in prayer to His Father, "Not my will, but Thine be done." I am not God. I am completely human in everyway. But the same Spirit that resided in Christ, resides in me, helping me to become more like HIM!!!! So as I sit here, fearful of the future and struggling with my thoughts, I desire to say, "Not my will."
Lord, teach me to follow you and surrender each situation to Your hand, not asking for answers, but knowing that You truly know what I need so much better than I. Help me to bring you honor and glory in this pregnancy and each day that I am able to live by Your grace.